Why can't I be a simple girl?

Why can't I be satisfied with a good book, some good music, some old well worn and loved things and my love of nature? Why do I long for more things than I need? What hole am I trying to fill with food and material things? Why am I never satisfied? When I figure it out I will let you know.

BEWARE--I am venting in this post!

Why is it that every freaking time I go to the grocery store someone has to make a comment about how many groceries I have in my cart? I'm to the point that the next time someone comments I am going to flip out and slap them or tell them to eff off. It has went that far.

Doug gets paid on/around the 15th and the last day of every month. I go major grocery store shopping after those checks hit the bank. My shopping includes all household cleaners/products and toiletries for 4 people, 2 dogs and a cat. My budget is $250 for each time. I have a 11 year old son and a husband who eats a lot. My daughter packs her lunch every single day and we prepare/cook meal(s) every day of those 2 weeks except 2-4 meals. So we are basically cooking something at least 10 days of those 2 weeks. I only shop at one store--if that store does not have the item I want--I improvise or do without. I do not run all over town going to different stores to get different things--I am a one stop shop kind of gal. Wal-Mart is my salvation when it comes to shopping. I live at least 20 minutes from Wal-Mart.

Today I happened to have to get quite a bit of toiletries, light bulbs, personal hygiene products and toilet paper (the mega package). My cart was a 1/4 full when I headed over the grocery part of the store. So it goes to show that by the end of the trip I was heaping vegetables, fresh breads and a few frozen selection on top and holding my hand over those things to keep them from falling off of the cart when I pulled into the lane to unload. First lady (an acquaintance) told me I needed 2 carts in the frozen section (I hadn't even been to produce or the bakery yet). Checker lady looked at me like "I can't believe you actually came to my lane". Cart was full, but not falling out when I left the lane--I packed it better this time. Stopped at my car to open my trunk and some old fart stopped me and asked me if my trunk was going to be big enough. Are you kidding me? Luckily he was old and I was for some reason feeling...hmmm...nice...so the only comment from me was "yeah, it is I do this every two weeks and it all fits every single time I come". He mumbled something about the 2 weeks--I guess relieved to think that all these groceries were at least for 14 days and not one week's worth. I just don't get people.

Left there and headed straight for McD's drive-thru. Large Diet Coke to go please. My own version of stress relief in a cup. Maybe I should have gotten one BEFORE I headed to Wal-Mart. Ha.

SIMPLIFY

Here's my progress on my One Little Word for 2010. So far not so good. I have tried to stay away from shopping and I have been relatively successfuly in that. We are about to get our tax refund and I have to say that I have been planning ways to spend it, when in fact what I really need to do is put it in the bank and save it for summer. We want to do a few small trips this year and we will really need it for then. So, I am still struggling with that aspect.



Less food--not working. I do have a plan though. When we get our tax refund back one of the things Doug and I have decided to do with the money is join the 24/7 gym here in Macon. Kate is going to go with us and we are going to work on being healthier as a family. Poor Zach is out because he is too young, but he is pretty healthy with all his sports anyway. We get our check on Friday, so starting next week we will be deciding when to go to the gym and we will be sticking with it. Kate is on a mission to lose some weight before vacation and I am right there with her. My shirts are all too short, because my stomach is way too big.



I do find myself thinking how to make my life simpler. I am trying to enjoy being in the moment more and it's very hard for me. I tend to see the past clearly and try to envision the future on a regular basis, but rarely do I live in the moment. I'm trying very hard to do that.

Approaching 40

I've been thinking on my life a lot lately. I guess that is what you do when you are about to turn a milestone birthday. I've been thinking that I have been with Doug over 1/2 my life and can't imagine a day without him now. Also that I am not the wife or mother that I hoped to be when I was younger. Not that that is good or bad, just different than I imagined it would be. I've spent a lot of my life trying not to be the kind of mother I had, and unfortunately, am 75% like her anyway; despite my trying. It's a year for reflection and forgiveness I have decided. Because if I am having trouble being the mother I thought I was--then I can imagine that maybe she isn't the mother she wanted to be either. That maybe she tried her hardest (like me) and maybe she struggled (like me). I'm not about to give up trying to be a better wife and mother though, but after almost 15 years of being a mother, I will admit that it is the hardest job I have ever had. That sometimes being a wife and mother takes a backseat to everything else in my life. I often worry about myself--that I am not appreciated enough, that I do more than 1/2 of the work in this family, that I don't have enough me time and that I am invisible. Maybe my problem isn't any of those things, but more of a reflection of how I feel about being a wife and mother. Maybe I have been looking at it wrong all these years. Maybe being a mother and wife should be treated like a job and the payment for that job is love--not time for myself, not appreciation, not acknowledgement from others. The acknowledgement I seek shouldn't be from others--it should be from myself. I should know in my heart that I am a good mother and wife--and if I feel I am not being those things then I should change myself to accomplish it. I should quit trying to change my family into something they are not. (I often think my family growing up tried to change me--make me something that I was not--I knew I wasn't cut out to be a college graduate, I knew that I wanted to be a young mother, I knew that I wanted to stay home with the kids--but over the years I have let their opinion of me change who I knew I was.)

Here's who I am: I am a mother who had both her children before she turned 30--just like Doug and I wanted it to be. I am a person who never finished college, but never really cared one way or the other. I am a wife to a wonderful man who takes wonderful care of me and our children. I chose to use cuss words to express myself and I am okay with that. I love to use nicknames for the people I love in my life. I frequently call my kids by names that are not theirs and girlfriends by the nickname "woman!" and I am not going to change. I have the best intentions for everything in my life, but intentions are sometimes misplaced or not valid and that is okay. I just need to know that I do the best job I can every day and live with that.

I can say that every big decision in my life I have made without regret: college, husband, children, every job opportunity I have had. I need to live the rest of my life that way. Chose correctly so as not to regret later. That applies to being a wife and a mother. One day my children will be grown and leave my nest--I need to look back on this time in our life without regret. I need to be okay with the fact that maybe my children will resent or need to forgive me later in their own lives because of choices I made about their upbringing that they don't agree with. But I need to be okay with that because despite everything--every choice, every decision, every thought I have ever had about them has been with the best intention of making them the kind of person I want them to be. I hope that they are loving, successful, peaceful, self confident, and live their lives making decisions that they don't regret. I want them to love and be loved most of all. I want them to have peace within themselves. Hopefully 40 isn't too late to find it for myself.

40 things to do before I am 40!

And just so you know that is right around the corner. It is exactly 8 months and 2 days away. I made this list some time shortly after my birthday this year, so I'm thinking it was in late September or early October.

1. Finish cruise scrapbook (we took the cruise in 2008)
2. make a button picture
3. unload the last box in my closet from our move in 2008 done 12/09
4. Volunteer somewhere
5. make a pillow
6. make curtains for the basement
7. start Library of Memories System
8. get all 2008 and 2009 pictures developed off of computer
9. make 25 scrapbook pages 17 as of 1/10
10. finish "paper" closet in den. done 1/18/10
11. go antiquing
12. buy something I love without worrying about the money (maybe wool rug from Target)
13. only get one new purse all year
14. find the perfect brown sandals--buy 2 pair
15. mail cards and letters to my friends on their birthdays
16. write in my journal for the kids more this year
17. blog on a regular basis--maybe weekly
18. put shelves up in my scrapbook area--and put all my "stuff" on them
19. read 4 books I wouldn't normally read
20. see a play
21. see a musical
22. go away for a weekend with just Doug. 11/09
23. do some embroidery
24. do something anonomysly
25. give myself a pedicure once a month
26. have a regular date night with Doug
27. take each kid out to eat by myself Kate 12/09 Zach 1/10
28. go tent camping (cringe)
29. paint a picture
30. update Kate's school album
31. update Zach's school album
32. make an ornament scrapbook with my BFF
33. Serve a dinner on my china 11/09
34. see a major league baseball game
35. wash down all the woodwork in the house
36. walk 3 times a week on a regular basis
37. frame my favorite quotes
38. frame a piece of each kids artwork
39. do 12 scrapbook pages about myself
40. finish landscaping one side of the house

Whew. I better get to it.

Car Trouble

UGH! I've said it before and I will say it again. It seems like the majority of the problems happen when Doug isn't home. Or maybe it just seems like it because he deals with the majority of the problems around here.

Started car this morning and pulled it out of the garage to warm it up before taking Zach down to school to catch the bus. Everything went fine. Told Kate to go out and start the car to warm up again before taking her down to school. (I should have went out there with her to show her since she'd never done it before, but how hard could it be...is what I thought--she can do it) Mistake. She came in saying that the check engine light was on--but I told her it always comes on when the car first starts--well, that should have been my eye opener. When we went out to get in 10 minutes later the car was still cold and only auxiliary stuff was working. Hmmm...I tried to start it--nothing. Brake pedal wouldn't depress---hmmm....then car wouldn't even click. Poor Kate thought she broke the car. Turns out it is the same thing that happened to Doug when he took the boys to practice in Blue Mound 2 months ago--It may be time to take it in and figure out if it needs a new battery or what. Poor Kate. She had to walk to school thinking she had broken the car.

I had to back the jeep out of the garage down the driveway in between the Camry and the neighbor's car and pull it up close to the car. Then I had to find the jumper cables--I hadn't seen any for 20 years (back in my college days when I had to jump Cari's car every other weekend). Doug told me how to do it on the phone, but luckily the brand new never been used jumper cables had directions on them. Now to open the hoods and get started. Doug's jeep hood had to be "unbuckled" (weird) and then I looked around unsuccessfully for a "propper-up" thing. there isn't one. You just lean it back against the windshield (I was praying please don't let me drop it and break the windshield because I don't need anything else to happen today). Jeep done. Camry was easy--hood stays up by itself. Yeah. Red to red--black to black. Start car. It works! Happy dance inside my head--because it is too cold to do it outside. Unhook cables, hoods down, cables away. Jeep pulled back into garage. garage door down by hand. Leave Camry running for 20 minutes. Run inside--make smaller grocery list of essentials that we will need for next couple of days--cereal, milk, diet Pepsi, pop tarts (you're welcome Zach) since I am not running the chance to drive into Decatur and spend 2 hours in Wal-Mart to come out and find that the car won't start again. Run to Dollar General here in town (leave car running while I go in (thank God for small towns)--$21 dollars later and I put car back into garage. Turn car off (Praying all the time that when I go out there later it will start again so I can go somewhere if I need too). close door manually. Go inside and immediately open the diet Pepsi so I can get my caffeine for the day--it explodes. UGH! Anything else? Bring it. Ha.

Day 2-Doug gone

So far so good. Zach is having a few problems in the morning. He can't seem to get up and get going without a lot of complaining and whining. Last night he went to bed at 8:30. That still didn't help. He told me to have a terrible day today when I dropped him off for the bus--because I dropped him off before 7:05 (it was 7:02). So, I don't know what we are going to do about that. Homework and practice went well yesterday--we'll see how it goes the rest of the week.

Kate has been a big help--dishes, dogs, checking Zach's advanced Math homework, helping with supper last night. Gotta love her. We stayed up last night and watched the first half of the news together to get some idea about the weather this week. I wanted the warmest day to go to the grocery store and that turns out is going to be tomorrow--high of 21--woo hoo.

I took the ornaments off the kids' tree upstairs today. Had to do a little hot glue fixing to a couple of ornaments and need to find another small box to put a couple more ornaments in that don't have their own boxes. I will have to buy another rubbermaid container before I can take the actual tree down. Hope I can get that tomorrow at the store. The holidays are almost officially over--I consider it over when all traces of it are gone.