A new thought...

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately whose owners are giving up sugar. It's giving me pause to think about my life. It always centers around food. What am I going to eat for breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, supper, dessert, snack. And most of the time I find myself reaching for something sweet. Even when I am not hungry I want that sweet. I'm thinking about giving up sugar starting March 1st. Sara from http://memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com has been sugar free for 27 days and has lost 10 pounds. Meg from http://megduerksen.typepad.com has been off sugar for 7 weeks and has lost weight also. Also http://thyhandhathprovided.blogspot.com reads Sara's blog and decided to give up sugar also. I have to say that I am seriously thinking about it. I need to sit down with my handy dandy notebook and make some rules for myself. I have 3 days to decide if this is something I think I can do. I am going to do a little research and let you know.

Why can't I be a simple girl?

Why can't I be satisfied with a good book, some good music, some old well worn and loved things and my love of nature? Why do I long for more things than I need? What hole am I trying to fill with food and material things? Why am I never satisfied? When I figure it out I will let you know.

BEWARE--I am venting in this post!

Why is it that every freaking time I go to the grocery store someone has to make a comment about how many groceries I have in my cart? I'm to the point that the next time someone comments I am going to flip out and slap them or tell them to eff off. It has went that far.

Doug gets paid on/around the 15th and the last day of every month. I go major grocery store shopping after those checks hit the bank. My shopping includes all household cleaners/products and toiletries for 4 people, 2 dogs and a cat. My budget is $250 for each time. I have a 11 year old son and a husband who eats a lot. My daughter packs her lunch every single day and we prepare/cook meal(s) every day of those 2 weeks except 2-4 meals. So we are basically cooking something at least 10 days of those 2 weeks. I only shop at one store--if that store does not have the item I want--I improvise or do without. I do not run all over town going to different stores to get different things--I am a one stop shop kind of gal. Wal-Mart is my salvation when it comes to shopping. I live at least 20 minutes from Wal-Mart.

Today I happened to have to get quite a bit of toiletries, light bulbs, personal hygiene products and toilet paper (the mega package). My cart was a 1/4 full when I headed over the grocery part of the store. So it goes to show that by the end of the trip I was heaping vegetables, fresh breads and a few frozen selection on top and holding my hand over those things to keep them from falling off of the cart when I pulled into the lane to unload. First lady (an acquaintance) told me I needed 2 carts in the frozen section (I hadn't even been to produce or the bakery yet). Checker lady looked at me like "I can't believe you actually came to my lane". Cart was full, but not falling out when I left the lane--I packed it better this time. Stopped at my car to open my trunk and some old fart stopped me and asked me if my trunk was going to be big enough. Are you kidding me? Luckily he was old and I was for some reason feeling...hmmm...nice...so the only comment from me was "yeah, it is I do this every two weeks and it all fits every single time I come". He mumbled something about the 2 weeks--I guess relieved to think that all these groceries were at least for 14 days and not one week's worth. I just don't get people.

Left there and headed straight for McD's drive-thru. Large Diet Coke to go please. My own version of stress relief in a cup. Maybe I should have gotten one BEFORE I headed to Wal-Mart. Ha.

SIMPLIFY

Here's my progress on my One Little Word for 2010. So far not so good. I have tried to stay away from shopping and I have been relatively successfuly in that. We are about to get our tax refund and I have to say that I have been planning ways to spend it, when in fact what I really need to do is put it in the bank and save it for summer. We want to do a few small trips this year and we will really need it for then. So, I am still struggling with that aspect.



Less food--not working. I do have a plan though. When we get our tax refund back one of the things Doug and I have decided to do with the money is join the 24/7 gym here in Macon. Kate is going to go with us and we are going to work on being healthier as a family. Poor Zach is out because he is too young, but he is pretty healthy with all his sports anyway. We get our check on Friday, so starting next week we will be deciding when to go to the gym and we will be sticking with it. Kate is on a mission to lose some weight before vacation and I am right there with her. My shirts are all too short, because my stomach is way too big.



I do find myself thinking how to make my life simpler. I am trying to enjoy being in the moment more and it's very hard for me. I tend to see the past clearly and try to envision the future on a regular basis, but rarely do I live in the moment. I'm trying very hard to do that.

Approaching 40

I've been thinking on my life a lot lately. I guess that is what you do when you are about to turn a milestone birthday. I've been thinking that I have been with Doug over 1/2 my life and can't imagine a day without him now. Also that I am not the wife or mother that I hoped to be when I was younger. Not that that is good or bad, just different than I imagined it would be. I've spent a lot of my life trying not to be the kind of mother I had, and unfortunately, am 75% like her anyway; despite my trying. It's a year for reflection and forgiveness I have decided. Because if I am having trouble being the mother I thought I was--then I can imagine that maybe she isn't the mother she wanted to be either. That maybe she tried her hardest (like me) and maybe she struggled (like me). I'm not about to give up trying to be a better wife and mother though, but after almost 15 years of being a mother, I will admit that it is the hardest job I have ever had. That sometimes being a wife and mother takes a backseat to everything else in my life. I often worry about myself--that I am not appreciated enough, that I do more than 1/2 of the work in this family, that I don't have enough me time and that I am invisible. Maybe my problem isn't any of those things, but more of a reflection of how I feel about being a wife and mother. Maybe I have been looking at it wrong all these years. Maybe being a mother and wife should be treated like a job and the payment for that job is love--not time for myself, not appreciation, not acknowledgement from others. The acknowledgement I seek shouldn't be from others--it should be from myself. I should know in my heart that I am a good mother and wife--and if I feel I am not being those things then I should change myself to accomplish it. I should quit trying to change my family into something they are not. (I often think my family growing up tried to change me--make me something that I was not--I knew I wasn't cut out to be a college graduate, I knew that I wanted to be a young mother, I knew that I wanted to stay home with the kids--but over the years I have let their opinion of me change who I knew I was.)

Here's who I am: I am a mother who had both her children before she turned 30--just like Doug and I wanted it to be. I am a person who never finished college, but never really cared one way or the other. I am a wife to a wonderful man who takes wonderful care of me and our children. I chose to use cuss words to express myself and I am okay with that. I love to use nicknames for the people I love in my life. I frequently call my kids by names that are not theirs and girlfriends by the nickname "woman!" and I am not going to change. I have the best intentions for everything in my life, but intentions are sometimes misplaced or not valid and that is okay. I just need to know that I do the best job I can every day and live with that.

I can say that every big decision in my life I have made without regret: college, husband, children, every job opportunity I have had. I need to live the rest of my life that way. Chose correctly so as not to regret later. That applies to being a wife and a mother. One day my children will be grown and leave my nest--I need to look back on this time in our life without regret. I need to be okay with the fact that maybe my children will resent or need to forgive me later in their own lives because of choices I made about their upbringing that they don't agree with. But I need to be okay with that because despite everything--every choice, every decision, every thought I have ever had about them has been with the best intention of making them the kind of person I want them to be. I hope that they are loving, successful, peaceful, self confident, and live their lives making decisions that they don't regret. I want them to love and be loved most of all. I want them to have peace within themselves. Hopefully 40 isn't too late to find it for myself.